Copilul făr’ de țarã

Acasă nu îi decât bunica, dar nici ea nu mai e.
Acasă este muntele ce sus răzbește tot.
Acasă e mirosul de ziduri vechi și groase
și de fugit prin frunze galbene și ude.

Acasă a fost odată, acuma nu mai e.
Acasă era atunci când acasă exista.
Acasă nu-i decât o strofă, prea mult prea repetată,
și care acum și ea de ea s-a săturat.

Acasă nu-i prea bine, dar mult și mult mai rau
E atunci când nu ai casă, când ești rătăcitor
Când stai prin case mari, cu plăpumi și cu perne
Dar nicăieri acasă, așa ca stai și stai…

Că unde să te duci, când acasă nu îi acasă.
Când casele’s frumoase, oamenii primitori
Dar tu nu ai acasă, ești singur și pribeag,
Îmbrățișezi valiza și mai tragi un oftat.

Copil fără de tară, găsește-ți casa în tine,
Sau în valiza asta ce te-a tot însoțit.
Ia-ti o cafea și stai pe banca asta udă și uită-te la oameni, fă-te acasă aici.

a year…

A year of…
midnight conversations and spilled wine
laughter until your tummy aches
long embraces when the space is too cold
sarcastically dry humour that only us two understand
wiping tears and hugging them out
funny faces and silly photos on the phone
healing and growing together
saying “sorry” too much and too often
rubber ducks hiding in nooks and crannies
learning how to love again
nudging each other when spotting a yellow car and arguing if that’s yellow, orange or green
watering and tending to each other’s roots
roaming around holding hands
eating too much and comparing our food babies
looking at each other and knowing what the other one thinks
taking care of each other
but complaining when the other one takes care of you

A year of…
being there
being here
staying
coming back
always coming back

thank you for teaching me so much in just a year
thank you for always coming back to me and never giving up even when the storm was brutal and the wind was howling
thank you for letting me in, showing me your world and allowing me to be part of it
thank you for showing me
that great people exist
that great men exist
that Dad does care
so very much

thank you.
oof.

ldn

Every city
every town
has flavours of
a different
you.

Except for London.

tears in my ears

Can’t hear what you’re talking about, I am stuck underwater
Can you repeat please, is that what you’re saying?
I could run away now, but I’m not my mothers daughter
I fall to my knees in the garden, pitch black and I’m praying

I probably just didn’t hear you alright
I just thought that we’ve still got years after years
Have I been sleeping and just woke up tonight?
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you… It’s just.. I’ve got tears in my ears…

There’s so much smoke and vapor inside our minds
That we can’t see each other for who we actually are
I am opening all the windows but you pull the blinds
And clutch your suitcase and move further and far

I probably just didn’t hear you alright
I just thought that we’ve got years after years
Have I been sleeping and just woke up tonight?
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you… It’s just.. I’ve got tears in my ears…

Your fears
my tears
those years
It perseveres
It interferes
Your frontiers
They’re drowning my ears

thirthy

How many lives have i lived in these 30 years? How many times have i reinvented myself? How would all the other versions of me be now? Did i actually have to kill them to become who i am today?

afterparty

That’s it, it’s official. We’re forever gone.
I’m sitting here staring, feeling like I don’t belong.
All meaning of family and love I now question
But maybe now it’s time to give up this obsession.

I saw you him and it hurts to admit
That you seem happy, but it’s stings quite a bit
Cause I am not the one next to you, by your side
But for them two I will just swallow my pride.

He seems fun and they like him, but he’s not their father
And the thought of him of being that, just makes me stagger
Cause it was always supposed to it being just me
But maybe now it’s time to let that idea be free.

A family and love. Us four. All that I wanted.
An ideal that forever will leave me haunted…
I never had that and now they won’t either
I am sorry, I’m stepping out… I just need a breather.

She is lovely and kind. She’s been helping a lot.
Never leaves. Always there, even when I am not.
But it’s so hard to even tell her how I feel
But maybe now it’s time to let myself heal…

You should see her with them. She is funny and silly.
And she could love them millions, I know that, really…
And they like her and want to spend more time with her
But I am so scared of it all and I always deter.

She is not you and I am not him.
The light of us now went suddenly dim.
I am sad and I am mad and I want to flee.
Will I forever just sit, dwell on what used to be?

I will be fine. It’s a shock. It’s a jolt to the core.
I guess reality crashing down and leaving me sore.
It will take me some time to admit and accept
That the promise we made, we’ll just leave it unkept.

I have them two and that’s all that matters.
They keep me together, even when everything shatters.
I will always think of this dream unfulfilled
But maybe now it’s time to start and rebuild.

And here I am.

By myself, in a white room full of strangers. And that’s when I realised that love can kill you. Literally. Physically.
Love almost killed me.

And here I am. A year later. Stronger, confident and absolutely, madly in love, but this time… with myself.

A year ago I had the biggest lesson of my life. I have learned about this, I did training sessions on this and I still wasn’t able to see it when I was right in it. I was being abused.

From a hospital bed a year ago to having the best time of my life right now. Last’s year me wouldn’t believe where I am right now.

Hey,
You’ve done it. All by yourself. I am proud of you. I love you.

Love, me

dry

Almost darkness, just the light of the lamp in the corner of this shitty little flat
And the sounds of the cars passing by and my dirty clothes on the mat…
Almost human, just a shadow breathing and wondering if all of this is really existing
And how do I fuck up everything that I touch and how’s that the sadness’ persisting

Almost together, just a touch and a look, an I love you said in whisper and probably too soon
And the wish of it staying the way that it was, but it’s morning now and you will be gone by noon
Almost in love, a lot of care, lots of loving, but careful don’t show too much, he’ll be scared
And he’ll run away and bury his feelings and probably try to forget everything that you shared

Why is it never enough? Anything that I am asking…
Why am I never enough? Maybe I am just masking…
Why is it never enough? Anything that I am giving…
Why am I never enough? Maybe I am too forgiving…

ET

I;m tired and I can’t really see the light
I’ve carried myself for such a long long time
I am sure that now I’ve closed all of the doors
They’re locked and they’re barred, no one can get in, of course

But something about you is quite special
You look at me, I don’t feel extraterrestrial anymore…

yourshire

You said this is God’s country
But where is he hiding
I hate to put it out bluntly but
I think that God is siding… with you